This is a big question which Chinese Medicine has more answers to than any other system of medicine I know. Please join me tomorrow (thursday) at 8pm for this free, one hour webinar, hosted by Singing Dragon where I discuss what makes children ill. To register, go to Singing Dragon’s Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/SingingDragon. I will be answering questions during the live event tomorrow evening. The recorded version will be available to purchase afterwards. I hope to see you there!
Why do children become ill?
Paediatric masterclass: addressing the emotional needs of children according to the 5 personality types
Last week, Julian Scott, Robin Ray Green and I did a short, free webinar where we chatted about the impact on children of Covid 19 and how our society has responded to it. This Tuesday, we are doing a deep dive into how the 5 personality types have responded differently, and how to help each type when they come back to clinic. To register, please follow the link below. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/4015966248079/WN_wQclmDrLSCav3NKXUKxXAg
A sixteen-year-old came to my clinic for treatment yesterday and said she was feeling anxious. As we explored the reasons for her anxiety, it became clear that the nub of it was connected with her fears of the future. Specifically, she was anxious that she did not know what kind of work she wanted to do. What struck me most about our conversation was her feeling that she should, at the age of sixteen, know what job she wanted to do as an adult.
To some degree, childhood, and especially adolescence, has always been a waiting ground for adulthood. Many older children and teens spend their days dreaming of the time when they will be able to make their own decisions, have all the freedom they want and begin real life. But when dreaming of the future tips over into being anxious of the future, something has gone awry.
It seems to me that childhood has become a constant race to get to the next stage. Parents are often desperate to get their young babies to sleep through the night, and see it as a victory when that first happens. Reward charts are used in an attempt to get kids to potty train, get themselves dressed or eat more vegetables. Parents say to their twelve-year-old child ‘How are you ever going to cope at university if you can’t get out of the house on time for school without me nagging you?’. Parental anxiety can mean that we assume if our child cannot do something when they are 12, that they won’t be able to do when they are 19.
Of course, children need encouragement at times. But they also need to know that they are OK as they are. Of course, it is only natural for teens to think about how they want their future to be. But not at the expense of making the present OK. The best way to ensure a child develops in a healthy and timely way, is to meet their emotional, psychological and physical needs at any given moment. Constantly urging them to be mastering the next skill or thinking about their future potentially has two negative effects. It gives them the message that they are in some way not enough as they are now, and it can breed anxiety about the future.
|In Chinese medicine, our relationship to the future is governed by the Water Element (click here for more about the Water Element). The spirit of the Water Element (the zhi) enables us to ‘go with the flow’ of life rather than trying to control it. Every time we push a child to achieve something that she is not quite developmentally ready for, we are teaching her to override her innate wisdom. Encouragement is one thing, but pressure is another. The more we can trust our children’s potential to unfold at its own pace and in its own way, the better. When the Water Element is not strong, a child will have more of a tendency to be fearful of or catastrophise about the future. And the more a child is anxious of the future, the more depleted her Water Element will become. One way to help minimize anxiety building up in older kids and teens, is to allow and support them to make the present as good as it can be, instead of overly focusing on the future.|
Growing and developing from a baby to a child to a teen and finally an adult has never been a straightforward, linear path. It is usually a messy business which involves wrong turns, some pain and a bit of to-ing and fro-ing. When development is artificially accelerated, it is always precarious. Childhood is all about building strong foundations, on which our adult self can trust and rely. When we rush it, the foundations are weakened.
I endeavoured to bring the conversation with my sixteen-year-old patient back to what makes her feel fired up and evokes her passion, to what lights a spark inside her. Using this as a guide for decisions she has to make now, provides her with the best chance of a happy and successful future.
As Sophocles wisely said:
‘Tomorrow is tomorrow.
Future cares have future cures,
And we must mind today.’
Many children today live extremely busy lives. Term time, especially, is often a blur of activities. After a taxing day at school, many children then have hours of after school and weekend activities. I hear many parents talk about their children ‘hanging on in there’ or ‘just about holding it together’ as they near the end of a term at school. We seem to live in a society where ‘doing’ is valued and ‘being’ is not. Children often grow up deriving their self-esteem from their external achievements. So, unless they are busy achieving out in the world, they do not know how to feel good about themselves. This drives them to do more and more.
But does this matter? Many people would say that children today are lucky to have so many opportunities to play different sports, learn instruments, do martial arts, learn extra languages, take dance classes or pretty much anything that takes their fancy. And, of course, on one level they are. However, as with most things in life, balance and timing are the key.
One of the most influential Chinese doctors of all time was Sun Simiao, who lived approximately 1500 years ago. He wrote:
‘The way of nurturing life is to constantly strive for minor exertion but never become greatly fatigued and force what you cannot endure.’
Ironically, in the 21st century, many of us feel that unless we are greatly fatigued and really ‘digging deep’ that we are simply not working hard enough! Sun Simiao’s words, however, are especially important for children.
Children’s yin is said to be ‘immature’. It is still in a state of development until a child stops growing which, for most children, is some time in the mid-teens. Yin is essential for the physical body to become strong and for stamina. Yin also underpins good mental health. Without it, it is hard for us to feel calm and to be resilient against life’s challenges. Too much activity depletes the yin energy of the body. And because children’s yin is not yet fully developed anyway, lots of activity is especially detrimental for them.
Pushing a young child to become proficient in mandarin, an Olympic gymnast or a highly-skilled musician when they cannot endure it*, is like decorating a house before building strong foundations. Childhood should be about building the foundations so that they are as strong and robust as possible. A child then has the rest of their lives to develop refined skills or, as it were, to put the decorations on their house.
So, if as a parent you feel that your child is constantly tired, or that they have very little opportunity to just ‘be’, it might be worth reflecting on how their schedule can be reduced. Not only might it help them to grow up physically and mentally strong, it will also teach them an important lifelong lesson. If, as children, we do not learn how to be still, quiet and reflective at times, we have little hope of doing this as an adult.
*How to spot the signs that a child may not be enduring what is being asked of them will be the subject of my next blog post.
It barely needs stating that every single child in the world is a complete individual, with their own unique combination of traits, tendencies and quirks. It is important to be mindful of this fact whenever we start talking about types or categories of children. Although I am about to describe two broad categories of young children, please bear in mind that within each category there are an infinite number of nuances!
Chinese medicine understands that children may be born with one of two constitutional tendencies. Neither type is ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than the other. Children in both categories will have their own set of challenges and strengths. However, understanding which type your child is, may help to guide you in how you parent them. This is most applicable in children up to the age of about four.
The robust child
The robust child is born with a surplus of qi. They will look physically robust, often have red cheeks and a huge appetite. They perceive the world as a place that needs exploring. Every new place they go or new person they meet is a wonderful opportunity to express their natural inquisitiveness. They make their presence strongly felt and are often impossible to ignore!
The robust child will thrive off having a full and varied daily routine, with lots of stimulation and activity. They will hate being constrained and will often show a strong level of independence for their age.
When they become ill, they tend to have strong symptoms and high fevers. They may be very ill but throw off the illness as quickly as they succumbed to it.
The sensitive child
The sensitive child is born with not quite enough qi. They will often be physically slight or thin, have a pale complexion and tend to eat small amounts of a smaller range of foods. They may need time and the support of an adult to adjust to new places or people. They may need to ‘warm up’ before revealing their true nature in situations that they are not entirely familiar with.
The sensitive child will thrive off having a quieter lifestyle. They will need a balance of activity and stimulation, with rest and downtime. They may rely on the presence of a parent to help them feel secure when they are going to a new place or doing a new activity.
They tend to get mild illnesses, that may last a while but rarely amount to anything.
Some children fall very clearly into one category, whilst others seem to sit somewhere in the middle of the two. This way of classifying children has some overlaps with the system developed by paediatric health researcher William Boyce. He differentiates between ‘dandelions and orchids’. He writes that dandelions are able to thrive in a wide variety of environments, whereas orchids need a more specific environment in which to thrive. I would say that the kind of society most children in urban environments are brought up in does indeed favour the robust type child. This is unfortunate, as the majority of children born in the West today are the sensitive type (the reasons for this will be the subject of another post!). Below are some tips that might help parents, who clearly identify their child as being strongly one type or other, meet their needs.
Robust children need:
- A lot of movement and physical activity (although rest of course too)
- Opportunities for lots of exploration and adventure
- Sometimes help with knowing when they are full
- Guidance to know when to step back and allow other children to take centre stage!
- Lots of love (of course) but firm, clear boundaries
Sensitive children need:
- Smaller amounts of activity interspersed with rest
- Encouragement to explore and try new things
- Encouragement to eat a wide range of food
- To be allowed to take their time to feel their way into new situations or relationships
- Lots of love (of course) and a gentle, tender approach
It is very easy, as a parent, to be concerned that our child is a particular way. For example, we may worry that our really robust child dominates when playing with other children and that this means as an adult they will be perceived as over-bearing or bossy. Or we may worry that our sensitive child is never going to make their mark in the world and will be over-looked. But this worry is usually misplaced. Both robust and sensitive children, as they grow and mature, will have the ability to find a path in life where they can express their true nature and excel. If we try to turn a child into something they are not, we are likely to cause them harm. If we respect their individuality, and meet their needs accordingly, they are likely to emerge into adulthood with the confidence to manifest their true nature in the world.
I wanted to alert you to my upcoming webinar this Saturday. It is a three hour webinar for practitioners, but also interested parents, titled “The Importance of Nurturing the Young to raise healthy, happy children.” This short introduction interview with Lorne Browne, of Healthy Seminars (who are hosting the webinar) will tell you all you need to know about it.
For my mother’s generation, deciding how to manage the first months of a baby’s life was comparatively straightforward. There was one book out there to be guided by – Dr Spock’s Common Sense Book of Baby and Childcare which, according to some sources, is considered to be the second best-selling book after the Bible! Nowadays, parents are faced with a multitude of different books, advocating a multitude of different approaches. At one end of the spectrum, there is the Gina Ford philosophy of putting a strict routine above all else. At the other end, there is Jean Liedloff’s the Continuum Concept advocating a completely ‘baby-led’ approach to child-rearing.
What does Chinese medicine have to say on the matter and can it help us to see beyond these approaches to find a little more balance? Can it help parents respond to their individual baby’s needs whilst simultaneously not losing sight of their own?
Chinese medicine is very clear that young children are, by their very nature, full of yang energy. This means that they have a need to move a lot, a certain exuberance and often volatility. Whilst this abundance of yang is physiological, rather than pathological, and is necessary to fuel their extraordinarily rapid growth, it also can easily become ‘out of control’. Therefore, it needs tempering. The best way to temper it, is by creating a strongly yin environment.
A yin environment is one where there is consistency, predictability and repetition. Babies and young children have not had time to build an internal sense of structure, and are therefore often comforted and made to feel safe by an external structure. Having a certain rhythm to their daily routine is often calming and helps to keep the exuberant yang in check. For many, having meals and going to sleep at around about the same time each day, is a way of creating this rhythm.
However, we should differentiate between predictability and inflexibility. Life itself is certainly not completely predictable, and babies and young children will have slightly different needs from one day to the next. Trying to impose too much routine does not allow for this, and a too rigid approach may create stress or conflict for both parent and child. A toddler who has no flexibility in their schedule may struggle to develop the resilience necessary to cope with the unpredictable nature of life.
Another consideration is that stress, in either child or parent, is one of the most common reasons for yang energy to rise up in the body. When this happens, children may display more intense emotions, be inclined towards digestive disturbances and sleep less well. Therefore, it’s probably not worth rushing home in a fluster purely to make sure we can get our baby off to sleep on the dot of 7pm. The anxiety this may induce is most likely more detrimental than going to bed slightly later than usual.
The vast majority of children will benefit from having some rhythm and routine in their life most of the time. Beyond this basic premise, each parent and child must find a way through the first years of life which creates the most ease for both of them. Pronouncements about one approach being ‘right’ and another ‘wrong’ are missing the point. A more helpful way to look at it is to assess the unique needs of each parent and child, and to respond to that as best as possible.
Why is downtime important?
Everybody benefits from downtime. From the Chinese medicine perspective, however, downtime is not a luxury but a necessity for children. The first years of life are primarily concerned with laying down strong foundations for the child’s long term physical and mental health. If a child’s schedule is overly demanding, it means that their resources of qi (vital energy) will be consumed by having to manage all these external activities. There will then be less available to fuel the extraordinarily rapid physical and mental development that takes place during the first years of life. This principle applies until after puberty, when the growth rate finally slows down.
How can parents create downtime for their children?
However, many parents struggle to create an opportunity for their children to have downtime. Many children ‘relax’ by looking at an electronic device of some sort. Depending on what the child is doing on the device, this is often anything but relaxing. Many video games are highly adrenalizing, and time spent on social media can cause agitation and anxiety. So, what is the solution?
The key point is to look at the impact any activity has on a child, in order to decide whether or not it truly constitutes downtime. For an introverted child, spending time alone will probably be relaxing and calming, whereas for another child, it may cause anxiety and they would be more able to relax by spending time with other people. For one child, playing a game of football will help them to unwind more than doing a jigsaw puzzle might, because it gets them ‘out of their head’ and into their body. For another, any competitive sport might wind them up and stress them out.
In general, there are some common characteristics that we can look out for, that might indicate a particular activity is true downtime. They are:
The activity nurtures the child’s feelings of attachment
One of the most universally reliable ways for a child to truly relax is to be with a person or people with whom they feel safe and connected, and for that person or those people to be themselves relaxed and present.
The activity allows the child’s qi to flow
This means it has an effect similar to taking a big, slow deep breathe. Their body and mind relax as opposed to tense up.
The activity does not trigger an adrenaline surge
Anything that causes adrenaline to pump around the body is the antithesis of downtime. Adrenaline is the ‘fight or flight’ hormone, so it is produced in response to a threat. For a child, that might be the threat of losing a match or not bettering a previous score on a video game. Or it might be the threat of being alone or, conversely, of being with too many people. You will know an activity has produced an adrenaline surge if the child is grumpy or moody when the activity stops.
The activity helps the child’s qi to ‘descend’
Anything that causes a child’s qi to flare upwards will not be relaxing. There are two aspects to this. Firstly, something that requires a child to have to exert their brain power beyond what is easy for them will mean their qi collects in their head. So, for some children, even reading might not constitute downtime, when it is a struggle for them. Secondly, an activity which is extremely exciting will mean that the child’s qi rises upwards. This could be going to a party or watching a particularly thrilling movie.
Balance is the key
As with most things, balance should be the guiding principle and the philosophy of yinyang is a good way to understand this. If a child has had a period of physical activity, then it makes sense to follow this with something that allows their body to rest. If a child has been working hard at school all day whilst sitting in a classroom, then it makes sense to follow this with an opportunity for them to run around. If a child has been in a crowded, noisy shopping mall for a few hours, then it makes sense to find an opportunity for them to be somewhere quiet and get some fresh air. Every child will have different ways of relaxing. The key is for the parent to attempt to recognise what achieves this effect in their child, and to find ways to try to incorporate it into the child’s life as frequently as possible.
This post is an introduction to some of the key themes related to the Wood Element. Each child has all of the Five Elements within her and therefore a discussion of the Wood Element is relevant for every child. However, for some children it will be more relevant than for others. We are all born with varying innate tendencies, and each child will have areas of life in which they excel and areas they find more challenging. If having read this post, you feel that your child has an imbalance in their Wood Element, then the suggestions at the bottom will be especially relevant for them.
Key themes related to the Wood Element
Anger and related emotions; boundaries; power; constraint versus freedom; personal growth and development; compliance vs assertion; movement; fairness.
Factors that challenge the healthy development of the Wood Element
Your child may have an imbalance in their Wood Element without having experienced any of the factors described below. We are all born with an innate, constitutional imbalance in one of the Five Elements.
An overly repressive environment
A child will learn from an early age that she exists in a world where there are rules that limit what she can and cannot do. One of the many challenges of parenting is to constantly decide when, where and what limits should be imposed. If the culture of the family is to impose very strict limits on freedom and independence, it may have a negative impact on the development of the Wood Element. Emotional repression may have the same effect. It is natural for everybody to feel angry or frustrated at times. Although children need to be taught what behaviour is acceptable or not, finding a way to manage and express angry feelings is important. If it is considered unacceptable to express anger, or for siblings to squabble, for example, a child may begin to repress these emotions and this will block the flow of qi in the Wood Element.
An environment lacking in boundaries, rules and guidance
On the other hand, a child will rarely thrive without clear rules and boundaries. A child whose parents can never say ‘no’ to him, who is never made to wait or whose every whim is indulged is rarely a happy one. Rules and boundaries help to support the growth and development of the Wood Element, just as a climbing plant needs a trellis to hold it up. A child left to his own devices may struggle to bring his plans to fruition and achieve his goals.
An environment that suits the healthy development of the Wood Element for one child, might not be so beneficial for another. Just as different plants thrive in different soil, the varying nature of a child’s constitution means that a particular approach to discipline and boundaries will be too constraining for one child but not firm enough for another. The challenge for parents is to try to respond to the needs of each particular child, and to recognise how their own history and circumstances will mean they have a particular bias too.
Living in an atmosphere of conflict or violence
The Wood Element needs external harmony to be able to thrive. Within families, and particularly within the parental relationship, conflict is dealt with in different ways. Some couples will openly and frequently argue and then make up. As long as there are periods of harmony between the arguments, and also a lot of love, a child will, it is hoped, not be negatively impacted by this. Problems arise when the conflict between the parents is extreme, constant or even violent. Equally problematic is an atmosphere of chronic, unspoken resentment and irritation.
Of course, a child may be exposed to conflict outside the home too. He may have a teacher who is prone to shouting, become involved in or witness ongoing tension between his peers at school or experience conflict in his neighbourhood or community. Whatever the nature of an individual child’s response, the Wood Element is particularly susceptible to imbalance when exposed to disharmony and conflict in whatever form.
How might we recognise that the Wood Element in a child is struggling?
Difficulty with the expression of anger
One of the key signs that the Wood Element is imbalanced is that the child has particular difficulty managing his feelings and his expression of emotions in the anger family. This can manifest in different ways:
- He displays frequently aggressive and/or destructive behaviour. The qi of the Wood Element moves quickly and tends to rise upwards. It may therefore feel to the child (and to other people) that the anger comes from nowhere and take him over
- He is constantly irritable or frustrated. This is usually a sign that the child is ‘stuck’ in her feelings. It may manifest as constant rolling of the eyes, huffing and puffing and sighing.
- He is depressed and apathetic. Depression may be a sign that the qi of the Wood Element has become blocked, and the natural outward expression of anger has turned inwards. The child may feel hopeless and as if life has no point to it. He may have a strong ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude to life.
- He is overly compliant and unassertive. It is not a sign of emotional health for a child always to do what she is asked, or always to concede to the wishes of other children with whom she is playing. It is the qi of the Wood Element that gives a child the strength to assert herself, stand up for herself and to become independent as she grows older.
- Many children with an imbalance in the Wood Element oscillate between all the above. As Aristotle rightly said, ‘Anyone can get angry – that is easy…; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time and with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy.’
Difficulty achieving an appropriate level of independence
Another sign of an imbalance in the Wood Element is a child who struggles to achieve an appropriate level of independence. This may manifest in different ways:
- A child may feel the need to constantly defy the authority of her parents and/or teachers. She is compulsively defiant, and always does the exact opposite of what is expected of her. The degree of defiance she displays begins to hamper her ability to thrive. She struggles to know when to hold firm and when to concede.
- A child may, on the other hand, show an inability to grow into independence. This is often most noticeable around adolescence, when we would expect a child to begin to forge her own path in life and make her own decisions.
Other signs the Wood Element may be out of balance
- The child is prone to night terrors
- The child’s mood is always improved when they have a chance for physical activity
- The child is prone to headaches
How can we help the Wood Element in a child to develop strongly?
Finding a ‘good enough’ balance between boundaries/rules/guidance versus freedom/dependence
We all come to parenting with our own biases. Some of us tend to parent as a reaction to how we were parented, and others parent as a repetition of how they were parented. The more we can unpack our biases, and respond to the needs of the unique child in front of us, the better able we will be to find this tricky balance between allowing our child freedom and providing them with rules and boundaries. Of course, this is an ever-changing feast. It is something that a parent constantly needs to review as their child grows.
Support with the expression of emotions in the anger family
Helping a child to manage and express their angry feelings will help to create balance in the Wood Element. Children have many constraints put upon them, and often very little choice. Frustration and anger are a natural response to this. It is important that a child is not made to feel that having these feelings is somehow wrong or shameful. It is also important to help a child find ways of expressing the feelings, whilst at the same time giving clear messages about what behaviour is or is not acceptable.
Permission to express individuality
Not allowing a child to express their true nature is a form of repression and, as we have seen, any repression negatively affects the Wood Element. It can be hard as a parent, if we are not totally secure in who we are, to allow a child to express their unique self. As the author David Solomon noted, ‘Though many of us take pride in how different we are from our parents, we are endlessly sad at how different our children are from us.’
Provide opportunities for physical activity
In order for the qi of the Wood Element to flow smoothly, a child needs lots of opportunities for movement. This does not need to be organised sport. Simply running around in the park is enough.
Factors that might hinder the healthy development of the Wood Element
- An overly repressive environment
- An environment lacking in boundaries, rules and guidance
- Living in an atmosphere of conflict or violence
Signs that the Wood Element may be struggling
- Difficulty with the expression of anger and related emotions
- Compulsively rebellious and defiant
- Lacking an age-appropriate level of independence
Support for the healthy development of the Fire Element
- Finding a ‘good enough’ balance between boundaries/rules/guidance versus freedom/dependence
- Support with expression of emotions in the anger family
- Permission to express individuality
- Providing opportunities for physical activity
This post is an introduction to some of the key themes related to the Water Element. Each child has all of the five Elements within her and therefore a discussion of the Water Element is relevant for every child. However, for some children it will be more relevant than for others. We are all born with varying innate tendencies, and each child will have areas of life in which she excels and areas she finds more challenging. If having read this post, you feel that your child has an imbalance in their Water Element, then the suggestions at the bottom will be especially relevant for them.
Key themes related to the Water Element
Growth and development, assessment of risk; trust; reassurance; drive and motivation; energy reserves
Factors that challenge the healthy development of the Water Element
Your child may have an imbalance in their Water Element without having experienced any of the factors described below. We are all born with an innate, constitutional imbalance in one of the Five Elements.
An atmosphere of fear or anxiety
The emotion that resonates with, and causes imbalance within, the Water Element is fear. Growing up in an environment that induces chronic or repeated feelings of fear will mean that a child will habitually be ‘on red alert’. A part of her is constantly under threat, waiting for the next frightening thing to happen. Her habitual state becomes one of being on edge and she may struggle to find a sense of internal stillness.
There are big and obvious things that induce fear in children, such as a violent parent or living in a war-torn zone. However, because a child’s psyche is very fragile, she may perceive there to be a threat in something that most of us as adults would consider completely benign. Although all growth involves uncertainty, and we would not want to over-protect a child from anything that may be potentially fearful, it is the presence of intense or ongoing anxiety or fear that is detrimental to the health of the Water element. Anxiety in a child is often focused on school, health, the health of family members, exams or any new challenge that needs to be faced.
An imbalance between rest and activity
The Water Element embodies the quality of stillness. If the Water Element in a child is strong, she will grow up with the ability to feel still and peaceful inside, and having the ability to know when to stop and when rest is needed. These are essential qualities that we need in order to maintain both physical and emotional health.
In order to develop this quality of stillness internally, a child needs a balance between rest and activity. Exactly what constitutes a good balance will vary from child to child. Some children are constitutionally built to thrive off more activity than others. However, if a child grows up in an environment where he and everyone around him are always on the go, it will be very hard for him to embody a quality of stillness. A vicious cycle may ensue, where he feels agitated when he has nothing to do and he begins to crave constant stimulation.
The qi of the Water Element fuels a child’s phenomenally fast growth and development that is characteristic of the first few years of life. It also fuels the huge changes that go on around puberty. If the child’s life is such that she is always on the go, and rarely just ‘being’, her qi will be expended on meeting the needs of her external life. This may mean that her physical growth and mental development suffer.
How might we recognise that the Water Element in a child is struggling?
A child may have an unusual relationship to fear
When the Water Element is compromised, a child may find it hard to have a balanced relationship with the emotion of fear and related emotions (e.g. anxiety and panic). This may manifest in a number of ways:
- She may have ongoing low-grade anxiety. She may perceive the world as a place full of potential dangers, and imagine threats where there are none. She may be fearful in situations that we would not expect or torment herself with thoughts of future catastrophes.
- At the other end of the spectrum, she may have an inability to assess risk to an age-appropriate level. This may lead her to take unusually risk-taking behaviour. These are the children whose parents you hear say ‘she has no sense of danger’, when they climb to the top of a tall tree without hesitation. It may be an older child who seeks out activities that include an element of thrill or danger. Although this is somewhat normal in adolescence, if this trait is particularly pronounced or has been a theme running through much of the child’s life, it might indicate an imbalance in the Water Element.
- A child may oscillate between the two above extremes but struggle to have what most of would perceive to be a healthy relationship to the emotion of fear. She may be overly-fearful in some areas of her life, and lack an ability to appropriately assess risk in other areas.
A child may struggle to find a balance between rest and activity
When the Water Element is compromised, a child may struggle to attain a good balance with being active and being restful. This may manifest in a number of ways:
- She may be always on ‘over-drive’ and find it very difficult to ever stop or be still. She may have a constant, underlying agitation within her. She may be very competitive and want to take part in everything. She will resist being urged to rest or have ‘quiet time’. She may struggle to get off to sleep and wake up early in the morning, however tired she is. (It is worth noting that, in Chinese medicine terms, an imbalance in the Water Element is not the only possible cause of this).
- At the other end of the spectrum, she may be constantly lethargic, resist doing any kind of activity and lack appropriate will-power. Her only mode is doing nothing. She will resist being urged to get out and be active.
- A child may oscillate between the two above extremes. She may have periods where she is unable to stop, and periods where she struggles to get going. She will struggle to find a good balance somewhere in the middle where she is able to balance exerting herself and then recuperating.
Other signs that the Water Element may be compromised
- The child may struggle to trust others
- The child may have a dark colour under their eyes
- The child may be late to toilet train or prone to bedwetting
How can we help the Water Element in our children to grow strongly?
Create a safe and calm environment in the home
This will enable to a child to relax and not be ‘on red alert’. Children are like sponges and pick up on the emotions of others who are around them. So if we, as parents, are chronically anxious it is likely to affect our children. Finding ways to manage our own anxiety is therefore important.
When possible, try to choose caregivers and teachers who are solid, reliable and trustworthy
This will also help a child to feel safe and to develop confidence that the world is a safe and secure place. On this note, it is also worth considering how much bad news we expose our children to. Whilst it would not be appropriate to closet them from the realities of the world as they grow older, neither might it be wise for young children to have constant reminders of atrocities.
Allow a child to develop at her own speed and in her own time
Every time we push a child to achieve something that she is not quite developmentally ready for, we are teaching her to override her innate wisdom. Encouragement is one thing, but pressure is another. The more we can trust our children’s potential to unfold at its own pace and in its own way, the better.
Support a child to learn to ‘tune in’ to her body, so that she knows when she needs rest and when she has fuel in the tank
One child will need encouragement to be more active, another will need encouragement to have some downtime in her schedule. Probably the best way to help a child in this area is to model getting a good balance in this way ourselves. If we as parents are constantly rushing around and never taking breaks, we can only expect our children to do the same.
Factors that hinder the healthy development of the Water Element
- Living in a climate of fear or anxiety
- Lack of balance between rest and activity
Signs the Water Element in a child may be struggling
- A child is overly fearful
- A child is especially reckless and unable to adequately assess fear
- A child oscillates between these two extremes
- A child finds it hard to stop and rest, and prefers to be always on the go
- A child resists engaging with any activity and is chronically lethargic
Support for the healthy development of the Water Element may include
- Creating a safe, calm environment in the home
- Working to reduce our own anxiety levels
- Choosing caregivers who are solid, reliable and trustworthy
- Allow a child to ‘go with the flow’ and take things at her own pace whenever possible
- Helping a child to follow her body’s signals which indicate she needs to rest or move